I don't consider myself wimpy.
Most bugs don't bother me. Roaches are gross, but they just piss me off. Spiders only frighten me bc they all look like Brown Recluse's to me and I don't want to die. Crickets and ants and things like that don't gross me out. They just annoy me.
But THIS bug. This SilverFish. I can hardly stand to even look at this picture. Quite possibly the most evil living creature on the planet.
This morning. Shortly before time to leave the house. I see one out of the corner of my eye scoot from our closet into the toilet room. OMG. what to do?
I can ignore it. With that thought I have instant visions of me sleeping with my mouth ajar and that damn bug that I had ignored chooses to crawl up the bed and into my mouth. WAIT. where WAS it? it was in our closet. OMG was it in a shoe? or one of my shirts? what if i had put on some piece of my wardrobe and it had been IN it?
(it should be noted the above thoughts passed through my mind in roughly .5 seconds).
Ok. Deep breath.
Peer into the Water Closet (the formal fancy name for the little room with the porcelain god in it). Neck up only - just inside the door. No sign of the bug. Step carefully into the water closet. The basket. The damn magazine basket. He's either IN it somewhere in all those pages. Or attempting to stay hidden behind it. Another deep breath. I move the basket ever so slightly, using barely the tip of my sandal. SKITTER SKEEVY OMG I AM SQUEALING. there he is. He freezes. I think my squeal shattered his eardrums. He stops on the wall. I stand there. I have on sandals. I can't bare to put my very exposed foot anywhere near him. I can't call Bill because he's in the garage.
EILEEN!
what?
COME HERE!
what? I can't hear you.
(i envision here staring at the TV and totally tuning me out).
GET IN HERE.
(it is either the sheer terror in my voice or the extreme Mom Voice - or both- that jolts her into action).
Mommy what are you doing in there?
GET ME A SHOE! ONE OF BILL"S SHOES! (duh. they're WAY bigger than mine).
She grabs one of my running shoes. Sigh. Well, it will do.
She wants to come in and see the bug. I won't let her for fear further movement will send him scurrying. Plus, no need to pass on any MORE of my mental issues to this poor innocent child.
Another deep breath. Shoe in hand, I smack the wall. I mean I smack the crap out of it. And miss the damn bug. He falls to the floor. Using my cat like reflexes, I smash the floor. This results in my not yet killing the bug, only splitting him into two parts. One part just legs, the other part body plus legs. BOTH OF WHICH CONTINUE TO MOVE AND TRY TO SCURRY AWAY.
More ear piercing squealing.
WHERE IS BILL? I could be bleeding out my eyes and he doesn't hear me?!?!
I continue beating the crap out of the two bodies. Finally. No more movement.
Shit. Now I have to pick it up.
Using roughly 2/3 of a brand new roll of TP - I need plenty of padding - the thought of feeling this creature through the paper has me close to fainting - I grab the bug parts and faster than lightning get it into the toilet and flush it.
Heart Rate through the roof, I inform Eileen I deserve a gold star.
The girl I thought was my best friend ever looks at me. AND LAUGHS HER BUTT OFF. she is completely amused at my horrifying experience.
So. now you know. My biggest fear in life is this horrific insect.
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