our crazy little world. read on if you dare. i promise you'll giggle.

We Three

We Three

Friday, July 27, 2012

life. continued.

This is one of those posts where my head says "where do i begin?"


and then my head says 'eh who cares. your devoted public wouldn't know what to do with a well organized piece of writing...'


Eileen has been particularly animated this week. I mean the kid is always her own little variety show. One night she and I were snuggling before bed, and we got the giggles. No memory of what we were giggly about. What I DO remember is her laughing. And then snorting. And then saying: OMG Mommy! I just snorted!  and then she laughed even more. And I considered investing in those new sexy Lisa Rinna Depends bc my child makes me just about pee my pants. 


And now on to food. At the office, our 'cafe' - 'cafeteria' - 'place where we get food'   - is under construction.  We do have an onsite food place because we have 900+ people on this campus. Can you imagine what would happen on a rainy day if all 900 people hadn't planned ahead and had no food on hand? We'd be like the Walking Dead roaming back and forth and considering eating the ferociously large fish in our lake.  Ooops.  I got a bit off track there. So- while the cafe is under construction and being remodeled, we have various food trucks taking turns coming to campus. Despite being a little pricey, the food is crazy good. Especially the Monkey Truck. With it's sinful donuts. You pay $6 and get this BUCKET of donuts. And if you KEEP your bucket, when the truck comes back, your crackcocaine donuts are only $5. And supposedly they are cooked in soy oil and other healthy things to make them less sinful. But really, they are worth the calories. 


The hilarious part? We also just started our second phase of a wellness program - aimed at making it easier to learn about and maintain a good balance. CUE THE ICE CREAM TRUCK MUSIC!  


<---  See this picture? Eileen, Daddy and Uncle David. It was last week, Josh's bday. For the life of me, I can't remember what Eileen was saying. I just remember that Josh and David could not contain themselves. Captured quite nicely in this iPhone picture, doncha think? 


In the past week - we made it to two birthday parties on Saturday, plus I made it to a Baby Shower that same day. Bill/Josh/Marc managed to get to a Saturday night showing of Batman. The next day we celebrated Josh's bday. We've gotten all of Eileen's school stuff - uniforms, the supply list, shoes, backpacks, books. Not to mention early morning gym trips and nutty days at the office and regular life. HOW DO YOU PEOPLE WITH MULTIPLE CHILDREN MANAGE TO STAY OUT OF THE PADDED ROOMS? 




Eileen's gonna hang out with us tonight before heading to Josh and Sarah's. And then I'm considering  taking my book, sunscreen, and pillow to the pool. Until Sunday night.


Oh wait... we still haven't finished staining the deck... 

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Why Fruit is Bad For You.. and Other Thoughts

Stupid summer berries.  Stupid plump juicy blackberries. 


Tip of the day: opt for stained fingers over blackberries eaten via fork.  Otherwise, when you stab said berry, it will spurt juice spots all over your brand-new dress.  I should have had the pop-tart instead.


More Stream Of Consciousness for your enjoyment...
Currently, I might have more shoes in my office and trunk than at home. If you have to ask why, you are either male or you are in desperate need of fashion tips. (If a meeting comes up, my heels are in my trunk. If cocktails come up, my cute but not for office flip flops are in my trunk.  My black strappy Amazon Woman wedges are in my office. I'm ready for anything. Except a race. I have no sneakers in the vicinity.)


You know when a person cuts you off/pulls out in front of you, and you honk at them? And then they WAVE at you? what is that about? like "Hey there stranger! Sorry I looked right at you and then pulled out anyway. Cheers!" 


How about slow walkers & aisle hoggers?! Picture this: Running errands at lunch. Store packed (why?)with a bunch of people in no big hurry. So good for them. Really I mean that. BUT if you feel someone on your heels - move OVER. That someone is not trying to be rude, but they are on the clock and need to get done and back to work.  And how is it that in a massive box store with aisles 25 miles wide, these same slow walkers manage to take up the whole space so you can't even go around them? 


Also fun - the people at the office who chit chat in the community kitchen. Perfectly acceptable. BUT must you stand right in front of the ice maker and water thing? Shift 3 feet and we're good. 


Storms. Are they really necessary? It is 2012. Is there no way to control the weather? I mean we've figured out that Pluto isn't actually a planet. We know- because the CDC has confirmed it - that we are NOT at risk for a Zombie Apocolypse. So lets work on storms now. Thunder and lightening serve absolutely no purpose. 


Well, I could go on. 
But, nah. 


CHEERS!







Friday, July 13, 2012

Kids Today

No run-ins with Creepy Bugs today. Well, at least not yet. 


Eileen has discovered the Oscar-Worthy-Film Camp Rock, a Disney Original Production. (if you are reading this blog, and not picking up on the extreme sarcasm in that last sentence, please leave). And about two days later, thanks to DVR, we discovered - and recorded - the equally awesome sequel - Camp Rock 2. 


The plot of CR2 -the sequel summer to CR1- a NEW camp has opened and- wait for it- the two Camps will compete - pitted against each other in the Final Jam- singing, dancing, etc - with the winner to be chosen by the Television Audience!



Since we didn't get to finish watching CR2 last night, it was the morning entertainment. I bop on into the bathroom to get ready for work, leaving Eileen happily eating her Cheerios and drooling over various tween rockers. 


Fast forward three minutes. Mommy getting more coffee.  Finds child curled up on couch. BAWLING.  wait. what?


Devastation.  The Camp Star kids won, not the  Camp Rock kids. (if you hadn't figured it out yet - Camp Rock consists of nice kids who work hard, have a lot of fun and make lifelong friends; Camp Star has the bratty, self-absorbed kids who hate each other but man do they have a super-flashy performance.)


OHMAHGAWD. who is this child?!  
Ok Mommy of the Year. Lets make this a learning moment.  


Honey, it's ok. Winning isn't everything.
yeah right. always go for the win. don't settle. how will you get anywhere in life?! and if the USA doesn't get more gold medals than any other country then the Olympics suck. 
See - the nice kids didn't get first place, but look how much fun they're having at that campfire making smores. 
Nice pity party for yourselves. Eat up on that chocolate. Next on Disney: fighting Childhood Obesity.  
Its like when Mommy races. I don't win. I'm just happy to finish.
bullsh*t. mommy competes with herself every day. and beats herself up when she doesn't shave seconds from a run or manage to get in that last mile. 
Being a good person is much more important than winning. Treating others well and making good memories - that's what matters!
I am sure that is exactly how Bill Gates and Warren Buffet and Donald Trump made all their money. Oh. and Uncle Walt himself, right?


I finally gave up. As you can see from above, the voices in my head were laughing hysterically at my attempts of Good Parenting. 


OK. I know you are really wondering what is the point of today's blog?!? 


A bit later - Eileen hanging with me while I finish up getting ready. Disney Channel on in our room. Cool. They're showing Bambi. Twenty minutes in or so- the gut-wrenching scene where Bambi's mom is killed. 


Anticipate melt down from MiniMe.  
Poke head into the bedroom. 
Eileen sitting there watching, no tears. No fetal position.

me: everything ok? 

her - totally deadpan/unaffected/not phased: Yeah Mom. His mom got shot. She's dead. 


SERIOUSLY??




Thursday, July 12, 2012

mental anguish. from a bug. yes. a bug.

gross.right?

I don't consider myself wimpy. 
Most bugs don't bother me. Roaches are gross, but they just piss me off. Spiders only frighten me bc they all look like Brown Recluse's to me and I don't want to die. Crickets and ants and things like that don't gross me out. They just annoy me.


But THIS bug. This SilverFish. I can hardly stand to even look at this picture. Quite possibly the most evil living creature on the planet. 


This morning. Shortly before time to leave the house. I see one out of the corner of my eye scoot from our closet into the toilet room. OMG. what to do?


I can ignore it. With that thought I have instant visions of me sleeping with my mouth ajar and that damn bug that I had ignored chooses to crawl up the bed and into my mouth. WAIT. where WAS it? it was in our closet. OMG was it in a shoe? or one of my shirts? what if i had put on some piece of my wardrobe and it had been IN it? 


(it should be noted the above thoughts passed through my mind in roughly .5 seconds).


Ok. Deep breath. 
Peer into the Water Closet (the formal fancy name for the little room with the porcelain god in it).  Neck up only - just inside the door. No sign of the bug. Step carefully into the water closet. The basket. The damn magazine basket. He's either IN it somewhere in all those pages. Or attempting to stay hidden behind it. Another deep breath. I move the basket ever so slightly, using barely the tip of my sandal. SKITTER SKEEVY OMG I AM SQUEALING.  there he is.  He freezes. I think my squeal shattered his eardrums. He stops on the wall. I stand there. I have on sandals. I can't bare to put my very exposed foot anywhere near him. I can't call Bill because he's in the garage. 


EILEEN!
what? 

COME HERE!
what? I can't hear you. 
(i envision here staring at the TV and totally tuning me out).
GET IN HERE.
(it is either the sheer terror in my voice or the extreme Mom Voice - or both- that jolts her into action). 
Mommy what are you doing in there? 
GET ME A SHOE! ONE OF BILL"S SHOES! (duh. they're WAY bigger than mine).
She grabs one of my running shoes. Sigh. Well, it will do. 
She wants to come in and see the bug. I won't let her for fear further movement will send  him scurrying. Plus, no need to pass on any MORE of my mental issues to this poor innocent child. 
Another deep breath. Shoe in hand, I smack the wall. I mean I smack the crap out of it. And miss the damn bug.  He falls to the floor. Using my cat like reflexes, I smash the floor. This results in my not yet killing the bug, only splitting him into two parts. One part just legs, the other part body plus legs. BOTH OF WHICH CONTINUE TO MOVE AND TRY TO SCURRY AWAY.
More ear piercing squealing.
WHERE IS BILL? I could be bleeding out my eyes and he doesn't hear me?!?!

I continue beating the crap out of the two bodies. Finally. No more movement. 
Shit. Now I have to pick it up.
Using roughly 2/3 of a brand new roll of TP - I need plenty of padding - the thought of feeling this creature through the paper has me close to fainting - I grab the bug parts and faster than lightning get it into the toilet and flush it. 


Heart Rate through the roof, I inform Eileen I deserve a gold star.
The girl I thought was my best friend ever looks at me. AND LAUGHS HER BUTT OFF. she is completely amused at my horrifying experience. 



So. now you know. My biggest fear in life is this horrific insect.